Words I never said
by Dem-Destiel-Feels
Summary: Dean is having a hard time forgiving Cas for his recent decisions. Cas is having a hard time dealing with his feelings. Were the angels falling really all his fault? Is he nothing but a Burden to dean? Will the two of them finally figure out their feelings for each other? I am realizing that I am horrible at summaries. Rated M because they do the do.


"Why…?" A perplexed Cas asked as he stared curiously at the flowing shower water. The Ex-Angel had been human all of one week and Dean was already waist deep in tedious examples and explanations.

"Because you stink Cas." Dean stated flatly as he leaned away from the other man with a look of distaste.

"that's not very nice of you to say Dean" Cas said with his signature look of hurt feelings.

"Not nice, but true. Now get in." The taller man said as he removed Cas's coveted trench coat. The former angel just stood stiff staring at the water.

"Can you come with me?" Cas asked obliviously and the sound of a certain Moose's laughter could be heard just beyond the shower door.

"Shut up Sam!" Dean yelled his face reddening a bit. "No Cas I cannot go with you, Now get in the damn shower or so help me I will push you." Dean finished as he slammed out of the bathroom.

"So how's babysitting going?" Sam chuckled as he glanced up from beyond his laptop screen.

"Aw man it's terrible! I swore we taught him more than this didn't we? I mean no showering? Can't brush his teeth! I swear he would forget how to sleep if I didn't lay him down my damn self!" Dean slam the refrigerator door after grabbing a cold beer and popping it open on the edge of the counter. Just as the hunter had finally sat down in his favorite seat of their hide out a crash was heard from the bathroom. Dean exchanged looks with Sam before getting up slowly.

"Uhm…Dean?" A distressed Cas could be heard on the other side of the bathroom door. The green eyed hunter sighed.

"What did you do Cas?" It was clear that Dean was bed bath and beyond done with Cas's simplicity. The bathroom door slowly opened to reveal a fully dressed and dripping wet Castiel.

"I may have done something wrong" Cas stated with a straight face. "I don't feel clean Dean." He continued. Dean raised a hand to the bridge of his nose and breathed deeply.

"Cas…you gotta take off your clothes before you get in the shower." Green eyes looked up to blue ones as if to say 'How stupid can you possibly be'

"Oh…you mean I have to be nude." Cas continued his face only getting ever more distorted into that of confusion.

"Yes Cas! Nude, Naked, In the buff! You gotta take off your clothes!" Dean snapped before slamming the door once more. The room went silent and as seconds past there was a faint "How strange" From the bathroom.

Days past and Dean found himself more and more stressed with Castiel's inability to function as a normal human being. The ex-angel proved to be an even worse human than the brothers had imagined. He had to be reminded to eat and shower. He needed to be taught how to handle going to the store and not frightening the cashier. And possibly the worst thing…he had to be constantly reminded that he was no longer invincible.

"Dammit!" Dean slammed closed the door of the abused fridge once again with another beer.

"What is it this time?" Sam asked not nearly as interested as Dean would want him to be.

"It's Cas! How the hell are we supposed to get anything done with him going all baby in a trench coat on us?! I mean the damn guy can't even handle a vacuum cleaner let alone a shot gun!" Dean threw himself into his chair and chugged the beer.

"Now that's not true." Sam intervened his face that of sympathy. "Cas has handled a gun before. C'mon you gotta give the guy some credit…I mean what he's going through…it can't be easy. I mean think about it…the angels falling, Cas losing his grace because he trusted Metatron…Knowing Cas…He's gotta feel like it's his fault. Go easy on him…" Dean guffawed as he leaned forward in his seat.

"What he's going through? Sam, what about you? You did those damn trials and you did them all on your own and it tore you apart. Where was he then? Where was he when we needed him?! What do you want me to do? Go all buddy buddy on him cause it's his fault the angels fell?! Well I'm not doin it Sam. It's been to many damn times that he's walked out on us and I'm just not ready to forgive him for that. Not yet."

Castiel moved slowly from his spot behind the living room wall. He had heard it all and normally he wouldn't care. He knew it was his fault, and that hurt him. But hearing Dean say he couldn't forgive him…that _killed _him. The ex-angel made a rush for the door of the hideout quietly grabbing the Impala keys on the way.

As Cas revved the engine of the car he thought back to all the times he'd secretly watched Dean drive. He tried hard to remember just how the taller man did it and yet all he could think about was Dean's face. He always seemed to focused on the road ahead. So intent on where he was going. And every now and then he would simply smile or his features would soften and Cas could tell that for at least that small moment Dean was at peace.

Castiel put the Impala in reverse as he had seen Dean do many times and slowly backed out. Before pulling out of the driveway he buckled his seatbelt remembering Deans words _"You're not invincible now Cas. You gotta be careful ok?" _A hypocritical statement seeing as Cas had never once seen Dean where his seatbelt…maybe he didn't care as much about his own life.

With that he was off. Unsure of where he was going Cas drove into the night aimlessly. Before long he noticed the cassette sticking out of the tape player and pushed it in gently. Carry on my wayward son played quietly and the former angel found himself swaying lightly to the music as his mind wandered_. Dean is so upset with me…but why? Was it really so wrong what I did? I was only trying to help. I just wanted to fix everything. I wanted to makes things better for Dean. I didn't want him to worry anymore…but look what I've done. I'm now the cause of Deans worry_. As Cas drove he passed by a couple who walked on the side of the road laughing and holding hands. They seemed content and Cas wondered would Dean ever want to hold his hand and laugh with him? He remembered that night when Dean wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him close as he laughed. He remembered every movement of Dean's face when he smiled and every decibel of sound with his laughter. Castiel liked seeing Dean happy. For whatever reason, when Dean was happy…so was Cas. However, when Dean was sad castile was bereft of everything but pain. He hated seeing Dean hurt. It made his new Human heart do strange things. Things that Cas did not like. Not the same things it did when Dean touched him or smiled at him, no, the opposite of that feeling. The feeling Cas got when Dean smiled could only be described as besetting joy.

The daydreaming angel was snapped back into reality when the headlights of the Impala flashed on a deer in the middle of the road. Frantic the blue eyed man searched his mind for how to brake but failing to remember he desperately and unsuccessfully tried to swerve out of the way. Not only did he hit the Deer he rammed the Impala head first into a low shoulder of the road his head snapped forward meeting the steering wheel with more force than he had expected and for the first time since he had become human Cas felt real pain. His head spun and before he knew it everything went black.

_"I've had more fun with you in the past 24 hours than I've had with Sam in years…"_

_ "I've been so chained to my family. But now that I'm alone... hell, I'm happy."_

_ "Cas…Don't make me lose you, too."_

_ "Please…Cas…I need you…"_

When Cas awoke the world around him was dead quiet. Clumsily he crawled out of the Impala his legs shaking and a head ache that could only be described as hell. He looked up to the road to see the doe that he had his sprawled out in the middle of the road motionless. Crudely he made his way up to the road throwing himself down in front of the deer and placing one hand on its forehead. Cas stared expectantly as nothing happened. Then a realization hit. He wasn't an angel anymore. He couldn't save this deer that he had hit because of his own stupidity. He couldn't save a deer…he couldn't save dean. He was useless now. A pointless burden to the one person he cared about most. All he could do was leave a mess that Dean would have to clean up all on his own.

Cas shook as he looked up to the Impala which was now smoking from the front and weakly tried to make his way to it. He was stopped cold when the sound of a gun cocking was heard just at his ear.

"Well looky here…if it isn't a little birdy with a broken wing." Cas stiffened as from the front another demon made his way through the trees gun in hand. "you didn't think we'd just let you run off with the demon tablet and play happy ever after with your boyfriends after what you did to our king did you?" the demon raised Cas's chin with the barrel of his gun and scoffed. "Looks like we hit the jackpot too huh…If you're here then that means your two little tailgaters must not be far behind huh? You lead us right to them. Thanks a lot idiot."

"You stay away from Dean and Sam" Cas growled as he made an attempt to stand.

"Ah, ah, ahhh don't even try it feather bag. You're all out of juice remember? One shot and you're done for." The demon pushed Cas back down with the barrel of his gun and turning to consult with his partner. Cas saw the chance and took it lunging forward with all the force he could muster up. He ripped the shotgun from the demons hands before stumbling back and pointing it in his face. There weren't many things Cas knew how to do as a human but this…this was something he remembered. He pulled the trigger and the sound echoed in his ear.

"Drop it" the second demon hissed shoving Cas in the back of the head with his hand gun. The ex-angel stood tall his stance and will not bending.

"go ahead and kill me as long as there's one less of you filthy creatures crawling this planet."

"fine have it your way" the demon scoffed as he pressed the end of his gun to the back of Cas's head. "Now let's find out just how human you really are" he whispered gruffly. Cas squeezed his eyes shut and visions of Dean smiling and happy flashed in his head. However the pain never came and when Cas opened his eyes the demon in front of him looked like he had just seen god himself.

"Not on my watch dirt bag" Dean growled as he twisted his blade in the demons back. No later had he burst into ash and flame. The other demon made a quick escape in a cloud of black. Leaving his meat suit limp and lifeless on the ground. Cas stood up quickly to face dean.

"Dean I—"

"you know what save it Cas! Are you out of your damn mind?! You know there are going to be more of them?! What the hell were you thinking coming out here all alone?! And in my Impala no less?! Have you lost it?! Everywhere you go you leave a damn mess Cas! I didn't ask for this alright?! I didn't ask for you to come here and follow us! All you're doing is slowing us down!" with that Sam got out the passenger side of the truck they had driven out to find Cas.

"Dean! Easy!" Sam yelled stopping short in front of them.

"no easy screw that! I don't need this kind of stress right now and I don't need you!" He screamed pointing a finger at Cas with acid in his tone. Cas was taken aback by that statement and suddenly his heart did something he would never wish on anyone in a million years. It broke. Cas was stuck there speechless. He could see on Dean's face that the taller man already regretted his words. But somehow that regret wasn't enough to fix the angel. His face became perplexed as his blue eyes drilled into Deans making the hunter ever more uncomfortable with what he had just said.

"Dean…" Sam's voice was quiet in the background disbelief lacing his tone.

The green eyed hunter quickly made his way to his impala getting in and slamming the door. The engine was still running and so with ease Dean backed out of the shoulder careful as to not hit the dead deer before speeding off back towards the hideout.

"C'mon Cas you can ride with me" Sam whispered gesturing for Cas to get in. The former angel complied getting in the car with his head low.

The drive back to the hideout was quiet and somehow longer than Cas had remembered. And when they entered Dean was already making his way to lock himself in his room.

"Dean!" Castiel's voice was stern and yet pleading.

"what Cas? What is it? What the hell is it?!" Dean's voice slowly raised.

"you're mad. I know that."

"Your damn right I'm mad!" Dean screamed taking a step towards Cas.

"I-I'm sorry Dean!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it Cas! You can't say sorry! It won't fix it!"

"Well then what am I supposed to say?! What can I say to fix this?!"

"I don't know Cas! All I know is I trusted you! I trusted you and you threw that trust away like it was nothing! You destroyed it Cas! Yo—"

"I know!" Cas barked stopping Dean dead in his tracks. "I know what I did Dean! I know that I hurt you! I know I made a mess and I know I'm useless and I know that sorry doesn't mean anything! I know it's my fault the angels fell and that I wasn't there for you and Sam when you needed me! But I don't know what else to say. I'm a broken man Dean. We're all broken. But none of that matters to me! All I want to know…all I care about…Is what I can do to make you happy again Dean…because I…Dean I…"

Cas's face fell as he suddenly lost his words and his courage. Dean looked back to Sam and spoke his voice softer now.

"Hey Sammy what do you say you go out and get us all some grub huh? It's been a long day."

"But Dean I—"

"Sam." Dean's words were stern as he gave same an unbreakable glare. Sam nodded in understanding and headed out after patting Cas gently on the shoulder. Once Sam was completely gone they continued. Cas turned to talk but was cut off.

"You what…Cas?" Dean whispered gruffly taking another step towards Cas.

"I…I…Dean…"

"Spit it out dammit!" Dean yelled slamming a fist on the nearby table.

"I love you! I'm not supposed to! And I'm stupid and I'm useless but If I can do anything right at all its love you! All those things I did! They were for you! Because Dean I promise to whatever god still exists out there that I would give my life if it meant yours could be better!"

With that being said the green eyed hunter closed the last bit of space between their bodies sending his mouth crashing down on the smaller mans. Cas's lips were surprisingly soft and unsure as the angel tried to take in all of what was going on. _Remember the pizza man, remember the pizza man. _Cas thought frantically as he tried to kiss dean back. Mentally Cas may have had a hard time handling the situation but physically his body knew just what to do. He leaned forward clumsily pushing dean against their large dining room table. The gruff hunter gripped Cas by the hips and turned to press him against the edge as he forced his tongue into Cas's warm mouth. The blue eyed man moaned into the feeling letting his arms wrap themselves around Dean's neck and pull him closer as Cas became a bit more comfortable on the table. Dean wasted no time in removing Castiel's clothes. Although this was something he'd never done before he was beginning to realize it was something he's wanted his entire life. Once Cas was completely and uncovered before him Dean took the time to take it all in. Cas may be human now but he still had the body of an angel. His skin was soft and creamy against his taught muscles that somehow Dean had never noticed before now. He had always thought about Cas…about his feelings for him and about how much he needed him but he had never taken the physical things into thought…until now.

With a soft grunt Dean smashed his lips back to Cas's before leaning away to remove his clothes as well.

"Uhm…Dean…" Cas whispered nervously as he took in Deans naked figure standing tall and proud before him. Castiel couldn't believe that suddenly he was self-conscious. Never in his life had he ever cared about his looks until this moment. When he lie naked in front of Dean.

"Don't worry Cas. I'll be gentle" Dean whispered in the angels ear with a soft chuckle" the hunter was very well aware of Cas and his complete lack of knowledge of anything sexual and so taking that into consideration he gently pulled Cas against him their erect members brushing gently against each other was enough to make Cas moan lightly. Standing between Cas's legs as he sat at the edge of the table Dean began to gently kiss down his next reassuring himself that what he was about to do couldn't be that different from any other time before. From over Cas's shoulder he could see the scars on the ex-angles back from where his wings had burned off completely. Dean brushed his fingers against them gently and Cas whimpered.

"Does it hurt?" Dean whispered his heart falling a bit at the sight of the scars.

"Not when I'm with you" Cas said quietly as he pressed his face into the crook of dean's neck. Those words made the hunter smile and he felt any time of hesitation was over. Softly he laid Cas down on their table and leaned in to press kisses all down his neck and chest before lining himself up with Cas's entrance and looking up at him worriedly.

"Dean please. Just do it I'll be okay. I've felt worse pain. Nothing could ruin this moment" He spoke with a soft smile.

"Alright…" Slowly Dean pushed his hardened length inside Cas breaking eye contact with him when he saw small flashes of pain on his face.

"Please don't stop Dean" the shorter man moaned out as he wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and bucked his hips gently. With a small groan the hunter pushed himself the rest of the way into the tight entrance.

"D-Dammit Cas you feel good" He growled huskily.

"so do you Dean" Cas whispered light pain still eminent in his voice. "K-keep going please" Dean took that as permission and pulled out almost all the way before sliding back in teasingly slow. This caused the former angel to writhe and gasp beneath the bigger man. "Th-This isn't funny Dean" Cas cried lightly when the hunter revealed a bemused smile.

"Well what is it you want me to do Cas?" Dean said with a devilish smirk. Cas was all but entertained with the teasing when a sudden memory popped into his head. Gently he pulled the other close and whispered in his ear.

"I want you to ram into me so hard that you make me forget my name" Hearing that dean leaned back in shock. "I learned that from the babysitter" Cas said with a smug smirk which quickly disappeared when dean leaned closer and hissed "Well you asked for it."

There was no more teasing after that as Dean pulled out only to slam back into the waiting angel greedily. Cas's back arched as incoherent moans streamed like rivers out his lips and he clawed at the unfortunate table beneath him that creaked and shook with every thrust. Dean leaned closer grabbing a handful of the ex-angels hair as he pounded into him with days, weeks maybe even years of sexual frustration. Cas gave dean a feeling that he was positive no woman ever could…and he wanted more of it. Gritting his teeth Dean's arms steadied him on the table as his hips made quick work. His body was hot and sweat was dripping down every part of him as he growled Castiel's full name in his ear repeatedly. Never had dean ever had such an animalistic need to have someone fully and entirely. Every inch of his body shivered and shook with each powerful thrust and every time his named slipped past Cas's lips he felt a new rush of desire.

Castiel's back arched and his hips bucked desperately to take in more of his demon hunting lover. Cas had never experienced any sort of pleasure like this before and he was absolutely positive that no one would have given it to him as well and as hard as Dean was right now. He gnashed his teeth trying pointlessly to hold in his screams of pleasure as his nails dug in and left trails down Deans tan and taught back. The table beneath them creaked loudly with every passing thrust and Cas could swear that every time Dean was getting deeper and deeper. Slowly his hooded eyes opened to look into deans. They were lust filled and focused as he licked his lips and moaned quietly. A gesture which sent shivers down Castiel's spine. Suddenly a feeling began to build in the pit of his stomach. A warmth unlike anything he had ever felt before. His entire body began to tense.

"D-Dean ah—I-I'm—" He struggled to make coherent words as Deans thrusts became more and more sporadic.

"Y-Yeah me too Cas" Dean groaned as he pulled the other man tight against him before screaming his name once more. Cas felt a sudden rush of warmth and behind his eyes a light warmer and brighter than heaven itself shown as his body seemed to explode with pleasure. He could feel Dean fill him up with every thrust and he loved it. It wasn't long before they were both gasping and holding tightly onto one another.

"D-Dean that was…" Cas's head fell back on the table as he was at a loss for words.

"I know…" Dean gasped… "Oh and Cas…"

"Yes Dean?"

"I love you too…you'll always be my angel…" they leaned up to kiss one and other but were interrupted when the sound of a key going into a door rang through their ears. Quickly the two mean ran to Dean's room and locked the door just as Sam entered the room…

"Guys…where'd you go…and…why does it smell like something's burning? …Guys? C'mon!" Same placed the bags of food on the dining room table which quickly fell apart at his feet.

"What the—Guys?! …what happened to the Table?! …Hello?!"


End file.
